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I remember the exact day school was canceled. I was sitting in the college office, with friends and overheard my counselor say that we were off for a couple of days, for all the teachers to attend online school training. In which we thought was over cautionary and silly, because the idea of converting to online school felt so foreign. As I pulled into my driveway after school with a couple of friends, starting our "extended spring break" didn't feel so exciting when I saw my mom unpacking an apocalyptic amount of groceries out of the car. I remember the laughter coming from my friends and I as 13 boxes of spaghetti were neatly stacked in my pantry, and my fridge was stocked with what looked like enough food for a whole village.

As I tapped through my phone: Snapchat stories blowing up, students cheering and dancing in hallways as schools were announcing 2-week closings, and texts from friends asking what they thought was gonna happen. Then in a matter of a week, the extra-long spring break turned into long days facing the computer, a new wardrobe of masks, tears, and many disappointments. When they say expect the unexpected they weren't kidding. I went from living in two different houses with my parents to one house with both my parents and cat who had not lived together in years. The whole apartment that I lived in with my dad was packed up in a day by strangers, all my paintings ripped off my walls at packed into boxes, wasn't even time to say goodbye. No time to say goodbye to anything or anyone because it was a surprise, but not the fun ones where a puppy jumps out of a box, it was the complete opposite. The school I had gone to for 13 years, no goodbye, and to the people in that school my teachers, and friends, I did not get to hug or thank. My grandparents, and some of my family, no goodbyes, to all my favorite restaurants and places, no goodbyes. I felt no sense of closure in any aspect of life. The only thing that was getting my through was to hope for things to become normal again. It wasn't long until I realized that this tactic was not effective because it was clear that things were not going to be normal for a while. I set goals for myself like " well I know this month school isn't happening but we will probably go back before prom." Two days later prom was canceled, then our senior trips, and school for the rest of the year, the only thing we had left was graduation. It felt so unfair that I had worked so hard for years on end to maybe not have a graduation. It was finally announced that graduation was going to be like a drive-in movie with cars and music and we could still walk on stage and get our diplomas, and I was going to see my whole grade. But as I waited, Mondays did not feel any different than Saturdays, and mornings felt the same as nights. Every day and week, even month started to blend into each other, like a huge grey mush, I felt so numb. My anxiety started to get awful, I was having panic attacks, wasn't sleeping at night, sometimes sleeping for more than 14 hours. I was drastically losing weight and barely had an appetite because I felt so sad. After I graduated and still didn't feel that closer I was looking for, I realized I had to stop trying to look forward to things to get me through and live every day as well as I could under the circumstances.